Past Tense, Present Progressive

Do any of these sound like you? I have to always say yes to others, or else I am selfish. I have to always hide my hurt, or else I am unloving. I have to treat other people as faultless, or else I am holding a grudge. I have to keep my wants and needs to myself, or else I am a burden to others. People who experienced authoritarian parents tend to turn into adults with poor boundaries.  They were trained for it their whole lives and can't imagine another way of doing things.  However, it's an extremely unsatisfying and unsustainable way to live, don't you think?  But most importantly, it's actually not what a loving person is like!  For me, when I was in that mindset, my "loving" actions were actually motivated by obligation or guilt because I thought I didn't really have a choice; I was just an actor. Besides hindering me from showing real love based on real choice, this mindset also prevented me from ever feeling loved.  My buried wants and needs...

I have a lot of respect for my dad. He's thoughtful and generous to all of us. His constant reading makes him an interesting and well-informed conversationalist.  He makes his life decisions very carefully, yet never looks down on me for making different decisions than him.  Instead, he tells me all the time that he loves and misses me, and that he's proud of who I've become. I feel so lucky to have him as my dad. Unfortunately, we have not always gotten along so well.  Less than ten years ago, our relationship had been almost completely destroyed thanks to the authoritarian parenting techniques of the fundamentalist Christian homeschooling culture (in our case, it was Reb Bradley's Child Training Tips). Authoritarian parenting forced both of us into roles that we were not at all suited for, with tragic results. For my dad, authoritarian parenting caused him to see our relationship as a power struggle; maintaining his authority was his biggest responsibility and...

My mom walked into my bedroom and handed me a heavy biology textbook. "Read chapter 13," she told me, breathless and blushing. Then she rushed out. I opened to the appropriate chapter: "The Reproductive System". That was my entire sex education; I was 17 years old. I think we can all agree: sex education should probably be done by people who have said the word "sex" out loud at least once in their lives. My parents' denial of sexuality couldn't stop puberty, and couldn't stop our curiosity about sex. Instead, their attitude clearly showed us kids that we could never go to our parents with any questions or concerns that were related to our sexuality or genitals. For me, I found some answers around age 11 when I looked up "sex" and "puberty" in the encyclopedia. Later, a hidden copy of "What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy" in my parents' closet provided hours of heart-throbbing reading. Not e...

What do homeschooled girls and trash cans have in common?   They both only leave the house once a week. This joke was well-received among homeschooled youth because it rang true for so many of us.  For almost all of my teen years, church was the only social activity that I engaged in, the only time during the whole week that I might have a chance to interact with people who were not my immediate family.  Making friends in that context, especially as a shy teen girl, seems daunting.  However, I had an even greater obstacle to deal with: I was not allowed to participate in youth group. My parents were absolutely terrified of teenage rebellion.  Thanks to various books and speakers popular in the homeschooling community, my parents believed teen rebellion to be a recent American trend due to indulgent parenting and peer pressure.  A rebellious teen was more than just an annoyance in the homeschooling community: that teen was turning his/her back not only ...

I heard the stories so many times as I was growing up, the reasons for my parents' decision to pull me out of public school halfway through first grade and start to homeschool me.  I heard how I cried every day when my mom dropped me off at school.  I heard how I was bored in class because I had learned to read at age 3, long before going to kindergarten.  I heard how my teacher was wasting classroom time on political issues by having the class write a letter about saving some whales.  I heard how the teacher hurt my feelings badly by insulting my quiet speaking voice during a presentation.  I heard how I had the problem boy as my seatmate because I was the best behaved student.  I never thought to question my mom's narrative; school was certainly a terrible place for me, based on her stories. As a former elementary school teacher, my mom knew that she could give me a more personalized education than I would get in a classroom of 30 other students.  ...